Valentine’s advice: Level Up or Thank You, Next!
As Valentine’s Day looms this year, Ariana and Ciara are speaking to my soul.
I never thought I’d say that about Ariana Grande, but here we are, in 2019, and it’s happening. Ciara, not as surprising — I love the idea of levelling up in life (I’m not the only one — check out this cutie in a Level Up performance!)
I’m so tired of the suggestion people give single, successful (in whatever area or form) women — that you can’t expect a partner to be as smart, conscientious, or self aware as you are. That you need to make concessions and embrace the S word we all promised we’d never do (Settle).
I’m also tired of seeing so many bright sisters allow themselves to be strung along by men who are not on the same page. Who aren’t confident with their own boundaries. (I’ve been here too — not judging!)
I get it — we all have strengths and flaws, and partnership requires work. But why do women have to sacrifice their level of self-awareness or development after years, sometimes decades, of work?? Can’t we expect men (or whatever preference you have in a partner) to also put in the work?
Bawse is the new standard… for women
I know so many women who are absolute BAWSES — at work, at home, everywhere. But they are dealing with potential partners who just aren’t at their level.
We’re at a point, at least in a (admittedly privileged) western context, where levelling up in relationships is not about level of income so much as it is being able to meet us where we’re at in our development.
Is it really that hard to put our egos aside, and make space to support someone else’s growth alongside our own? To check in with someone and actually listen? To admit when we are wrong and then work to fix it?
I ask these questions because the women I know are ready for all of the above, but struggle to meet partners who are there with them.
Please potential partners, on behalf of my single ladies, do your best to level up or kindly move out of the way. (And ladies, recognize situations where this applies):
Level Up / Thank You, Next scenarios
1) The “You’re too much”
Someone is intrigued by your interests and what you bring to the table but is hesitating to “bring it” in return (read: doesn’t want to commit or feels like you are too much in some way, or are intimidated).
Level up or move out of the way!
2) The “It’s not my fault”
Someone you’re interested in blames their circumstances on external factors — parents, money, lack of opportunity, time. This one isn’t easy because well, issues. We all have them. But if a person you’re interested in isn’t taking responsibility for their life or isn’t willing to grow when you own yours:
Level up or move out of the way!
3) The “I’m just SO busy”
Busy-ness has become a status symbol, and an excuse for not taking care of ourselves and loved ones. But here’s the thing: WE’RE ALL BUSY! If someone isn’t willing to create space for you and balance your relationship with other responsibilities, you guessed it:
Level up or move out of the way!
Plus some basic deal breakers — let’s call them Thank You, Next moments. They connect to a lack of consideration, maturity, or interest in you (or some combo of the three).
4) The “Ghost that reappears”
Long gaps in communication with lame excuses. Thank you, next!
5) The “mixed signal”
Someone is unclear with their intentions, but they like the attention you give them; you are being strung along. Thank you, next!
6) The “still attached” (emotionally or otherwise)
No explanation needed. Thank you, next!
7) The “bailer”
Someone cancels on you, multiple times. Thank you, next!
Bonus: You a dime why you lookin’ lonely?!
The classic question single people deal with: “But you’re so _____ (insert positive adjective here: smart, kind, pretty), how are you still single?!” If I had a dollar for every time I heard that (I’d have maybe $10 :))!
On behalf of many of my single ladies I’ll tell you how:
1) Refer to Level Up / Thank you, Next situations above.
2) Being alone is not the same as being lonely. We’d rather be alone, or with friends who are gems, than have the wrong kind of company.
3) Online dating is the absolute worst. (If I cared more about this I’d be working on a better version of a matchmaking service.) Who actually enjoys swiping through thousands of profiles and having to make small talk with them?! Not to mention creepy messages from creepy people.
It’s not all doom and gloom of course. People deserve a chance and trust takes time to build. (We can’t “thank you next” all of them, I know!) Those of us who’ve experienced real presence and strength in a partner know this.
But today, I feel it fair to express frustrations many of us are experiencing, especially in big cities, where transience and self-centredness dominate the world of dating, and striving women seem to bear the brunt of it.
So to all my single women out there, you’re all 10/10 humans! It’s worth holding out for the ones who deserve you. Who remind you that you are accepted, heard, chosen, valuable. They are out there — here’s hoping they level up.
Until then… thank you, next!
