From Weakness to Focus: Year-end Reflections
You know the saying “Ask for patience, you get a line at the bank”? Well, this year I asked for strength, and what I got were several moments of weakness. I eventually gained only slightly more physical strength (my core has hope for next year!), but a more surprising strength took hold: the responsibility to lead a more focused life.
Facing burnout
Early in the year, it was clear I was approaching burnout. No matter how much I slept, I was tired. I cared so much for my students, but I lost sense of where work ended and other parts of my life began. My migraines became so bad, I started relying on meds that knocked me out but numbed the pain.
By the spring, I was fortunate to reflect after an intense experience with a student team in Australia. As I sat alone on a park bench in Sydney, I couldn’t imagine another 8 months of professional survival in this state. Just thinking about it made me anxious.
As one trusted colleague put it, my enthusiasm for work had gotten ahead of me, and my wellness was at stake.
Awkward conversations, clear(er) expectations
As a child, family friends labeled me a diplomat who knew how to keep everyone happy. I resented this label (understandably — who wants to be a 10 year old diplomat?!); now I realize there was some truth to it. I know I’m not alone in dealing with what Oprah calls “the disease to please”. But keeping everyone else happy has a way of wearing you down; eventually you can’t keep up the charade, and the masks weigh on you.
As I faced exhaustion, I knew it was time to have honest, awkward conversations — at work, in relationships, and with close friends.
At work, I expressed my concerns in areas where I was feeling overwhelmed. I was so prepared for a meeting with my boss, I was greeted with “Wow Roopa, that’s a LOT of notes!!”. I was fortunate to be heard that day, and provided support in areas where I direly needed it. This enabled me to begin to focus on areas where I provide more value — an important step towards deeper work.
In my personal life, I gave a surprising new connection with an old friend a chance. After realizing we were not addressing the elephant in the room (good ol’ commitment!), I mustered up the courage to communicate what I was looking for. I was met with an awkward but honest rejection (which ended, I kid you not, with an attempt to converse about the weather!). It hurt to be rejected. But I also felt so much relief in facing this rather than pretending we were in la-la-land, as I’ve done in the past.
With a close friend, I expressed dynamics that didn’t feel healthy for either of us. This was the toughest of the three conversations for me. My girlfriends have been there for me in all the ways over the years! But sharing how I was feeling was important for my integrity, and I am confident our friendship is now even stronger.
These conversations taught me our biggest fears about others’ reactions are usually unfounded. Trusted people in our lives deserve to be aware of our boundaries, regardless of how they respond. Letting people know my limits became freeing — the masks started to come off.
It doesn’t get better than this
As the spring turned to summer, I carved out time I was craving for deeper growth.
A tarot card reading by one of my students in Australia highlighted a “spiritual poverty” (yes you read ALL of that correctly!); this struck a chord. I decided to pursue my advanced hatha yoga teacher training course in a month-long intensive in Quebec.
On my train ride in to Montreal on day 1, my mind was all over the place: What was going to happen if I didn’t speak to new-relationship-potential RIGHT NOW? Was my family going to be okay back home? What if something urgent came up with work?
That first night, I texted a friend to avoid facing the stunning silence at the ashram. He wisely shared the advice to “run towards the resistance!”
By day 2, I was off social media, and for the next four weeks, I was fully immersed in ashram routine. My worries dissipated entirely. The “digital detox” many people promote became a side effect of a much richer experience.
I earnestly sprinted towards the resistance, and I savoured every minute!
Moving beyond a seat of fear
Realizing how much primal fear I held in my body and mind once distractions moved out of the way was eye-opening.
My caution translated from my mind to my mat, where I preferred to focus on my favourite postures (I love you, shoulderstand!), rather than try new things (unsupported HANDstand? No thanks!).
One afternoon, as others moved into advanced postures, I watched in my usual state of awe.
Our teacher came by and called out, “Come on Roopa, Let’s GO!!” I’m not sure if it was the spontaneous command, his confidence, or both, but I attempted scorpion — the posture that remains on my asana “bucket list”. (To be clear, I flailed out of it ungracefully after several wobbly seconds with his support!)
Still, this was an “aha” moment: moving out of the zone of fear can lead to new levels of experience.
Having the right guidance is also, obviously, critical. The teacher I am referring to demonstrated through patience, discipline, and honesty about their own challenges in the practice, that perfection is not a thing. We all fall.. repeatedly! But nothing is more important than strengthening your resilience and sense of self.
Being in community*
The sense of community one finds in these intensive courses is priceless. I wish you could experience the laughter I have shared with others at retreats.
After a fairly intense mix of philosophy and sanskrit classes, our afternoon asana classes were a meeting place for serious practice, play, and comedy. As we attempted to contort our bodies in advanced postures, the less flexible half of us would roll over with contagious laughter, and the other half would be annoyed that we weren’t taking it seriously. One of our more amusing classmates would ask “WHAT is this supposed to stretch anyway?!!” (which led to a joke that all pretzel-like postures were advanced neck stretches).
Being around people who have chosen to be fully present for a full month, to give each other space, while moving through a rigorous ashram schedule (4:30am starts to 10pm lights out!) forms a unique bond. By the end of the course we had a sense of community amongst the 17 of us that felt so precious many of us didn’t want to leave.
*My yoga community is currently going through a critical time, as allegations of past abuse were brought to light this month. There is much work to be done to reconcile. While I reflect deeply on institutions and power, I also treasure the genuine individuals and experiences that have shaped my practice and parts of my life over the past decade. Many of us are still navigating our way forward.
Finding contentment
In one of our final asana classes, on a beautiful new platform, our final savasana (relaxation) brought me to a place of contentment that is hard to put into words.
As I opened my eyes and saw bright green leaves flickering in the sunlight, I felt a deep sense of calm. I could barely feel my breath; I was still. My one thought was as clear as the sky that day: things couldn’t feel better than this. The desires I usually have seemed frivolous.
This space — between the highs and lows — was where I wanted to stay.
Gently, I turned to one of my new friends lying beside me on her mat; I saw the same look on her face. We lay there a while in silence. Eventually, we quietly rolled up our mats before heading to dinner.
During our last week, I wondered how I would manage back in what felt like an alternate reality.
Back to “reality” and feeling good
In our final days at the ashram, I launched back into planning mode, helping to coordinate our final “talent show” for the graduation (once an organizer, always an organizer!).
As we put finishing touches on preparations, I received an unexpected call from students at a UK accelerator. They were in near shock. They would be pitching at the finals of a global start-up competition at UN headquarters, and wanted to share the news with me hot off the press!
Life has a funny way of transitioning us out of experiences. For me, that call was it.
As much as I treasured my time and learning over the month, the palpable excitement I shared with my students on that call was a reminder of how much I love my work. (Seeing them pitch at the UN this Fall was a definite career highlight!). Coupled with little kiddos sending sweet messages to their “auntie Roopa”, I was reminded — I belong out there!
Worlds colliding
Although getting back to work felt surprisingly natural, my attempt at “balance” was another story. I didn’t really think through how I’d integrate back, and social settings felt uncomfortable at first. I had a heightened sensitivity (read: aversion) towards small talk and gossip, and only wanted to be with friends in small groups.
I started logging my daily yoga practice as a commitment to my health. This felt great, until the pace of work increased, and I found myself scrambling to keep up. My “log” started to look like an embarrassing string of blank days with a few days of asana practice in between.
During reading week, I set out to get back to consistency. I was at the yoga centre daily — for class, meditation or both. This was great, except I also had long days of remote work, and my social life in Toronto amplified.
Although I proved to myself that I could physically “do it all” that week, I felt more depleted than restored by the end of it.
The realization that important parts of my life were now colliding — work, wellness, community — was a wake-up call. While I had dealt with awkward conversations with others, it was time to face myself. I couldn’t keep up in my worlds as intensely as I would like, and I felt like an imposter in all of them.
Although it is hard to juggle important areas of our lives, I am slowly realizing they don’t have to feel in opposition. Consistent time for solitude, friends, and managing intensity are helping me regain balance.
Focus as the new Superpower
Looking back at an intense year, I am so grateful for the renewed focus that has come out of it.
Acknowledging I have built a strong base — nearly 10 years — in both my teaching and my yoga practice, the “imposter” voice is quietly but firmly offset by the “you got this!” voice.
A friend sent me a fantastic podcast recently on Digital Minimalism (HIGHLY recommend it!), wherein author Cal Newport describes focus as a new superpower. Being pulled into multiple distractions has become so much the norm (darn you social media!), that anyone who can actually focus is basically a modern day super heroine. I love this as a reminder of how we can reclaim our attention.
I am excited to further simplify my life in 2020 and strengthen my sense of focus at work, in my yoga practice, and in my personal life.
I wish you all many more moments of focus, well-being, and community as you move forward into this next year.
Happy 2020!
