Somewhere in the Middle
Reflections at 40.
I resist the term “middle-aged” as much as I resist people saying “40 is the new 30!”
A friend helped me articulate the dissonance I feel — milestones are portrayed as being “over the hill” vs. the reality of climbing up the hill with everyone else, feeling younger than a date stamp implies. (I am happy to accept that I’m nearing the “somewhere in the middle” phase of life though — let’s just leave the timeline blurry and mysterious!)
Regardless of semantics, I am grateful for the chance to keep at this beautiful and wild journey this year, with my fellow 1982 humans. ❤
I know “listicles” are sooo passé, but I’ve reflected on 18 lessons I thought to share today.
- Enjoy childhood and help other kids enjoy theirs!
(This one is hard for people who dealt with early trauma, and to all of you, much love.)
My earliest memories are fond ones growing up in a humble part of Toronto’s east end on Mortimer Avenue, exploring the neighbourhood — at the park or library, walking to our friends’ home on Greenwood or to get groceries on Gerrard, with some combination of my siblings and parents. I was a happy kid who read voraciously, loved school, and followed my sister around everywhere.
Childhood was when my whole family got to be together before my dad passed. I cherish the days the five us piled into the red chevy and took a road trip somewhere — even though cars made me nauseous, and even though the most ambitious of these road trips led us to Graceland of all places!
I smile at the pure joy of coming up with new dance moves with my sister and our friends (imagining ourselves at the next New Kids concert!), watching “TGIF” as a family with my mom’s homemade pizza, and being introduced to new music through my brother’s taste, and my dad’s records.
If we can help kids have great early memories, we are doing a lot to shape character.
2. Accept your story, but don’t be limited by it.
Learning to accept my history (& herstory :)) and moving past the limits of circumstance have been important for my mindset. We are each in our families for a reason — the ones we are born into, and the ones we choose.
My parents sacrificed a ton to open doors that didn’t exist for them, with faith this would lead to a better life for us. I admire their drive and determination. My siblings have taught me so much in this lifetime through their resilience.
I have navigated my own life in ways that feel right to me, but often have made little sense to my family or our culture. Letting go of guilt for charting my own path has helped me move past expectations (including my own!) and accept new possibilities in life.
3. “Right effort”, then let go.
Things that have been meant for me have not required excess force, nor have they been passive — travel, learning & teaching, friendships.
They have required “right effort” as mentioned in Buddhism, clear intention, and a faith that things will come to fruition when it’s time (or if not, then either something better is on its way, or the thing you hoped for wasn’t meant for you).
This also connects to being able to surrender when we can’t control outcomes. This lesson has been difficult to implement with my loved ones, and in my dating life in particular — I’m still working on it!
4. Stay open and curious.
Openness and curiosity have led me to learning and growth, even though they can be very uncomfortable at first: having conversations with people I disagree with; stumbling through a secondary language to converse with a stranger; sitting back in silence observing a situation rather than jumping in.
Leading with curiosity has helped me to understand people better, which I sometimes find even more useful than empathy. (As a sensitive person, realizing I don’t have to share people’s feelings in order to understand them has felt like a weight off my shoulders!)
On the other hand, judgment feels more comfortable, but reinforces an ego-belief that I am “right”, coming from fear or a desire to control. When my back is up against a wall, the tendency to prove a point is something I’ve learned to check.
Being “right” is tiring, while being open is refreshing. Re-jigging a common saying: do I want to be right, or do I want to understand and grow?
5. Laugh heartily.
Even (especially!?) at the corny dad jokes. Laughter has helped me through tough times and has made the best times more memorable. It also has kept my ego in check — laughter (especially at oneself) breeds humility.
Laughing with people is my favourite form of connection. The feeling when you can just look someone in the eye and burst out laughing has got to be one of the best feelings in the world.
6. Nurture your friendships.
I’m blessed with decades-old friendships that have become like family.
I’ve learned that making time to show up for little moments matters just as much as showing up for big moments.
Having close friends who you can trust when you feel lost or broken, is maybe more important than finding people to celebrate with. Becoming the type of friend who people feel comfortable with in times of grief is sacred. I’m so moved by both sides of this support coin, especially as we approach “the middle”, where hardships are starting to be felt on so many levels.
Special shout-out to close girlfriends, sisters, aunty figures, and my close guy friends, who have been soulmates and sources of support — you have taught me so much and I cherish that we get to walk alongside each other.
7. Learn to give AND receive love.
Love hasn’t come easy for me. Acknowledging impacts of being in caregiver roles early on — needing to re-build energy reservoirs, becoming aware of my own needs, and learning to accept help — while working to get clear about what I want in relationship, have been helpful practices.
The book Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer taught me about the beauty of reciprocity, and has shifted how I see relationships.
Understanding that it is just as important to be open to receiving love as it is to give love has been a real eye-opener. (And yet, it still feels uncomfortable! Cue all the vulnerability podcasts…)
To recognize that love can arrive in so many forms has also been a beautiful lesson.
As tough as this area has been in my life, I appreciate the characters I’ve dated, and the adventures I’ve had along the way — they’ve helped me see life in ways I wouldn’t have on my own.
8. Become your own partner first (what!?).
Before becoming a parent or partner, having the space to parent my own self — that inner child work, and to be a partner to myself — understanding my insecurities, quirks, and moods, is a luxury my ancestors did not have.
The space I’ve had will help me be a better partner, and a parent in some form. (At least this is the story I tell myself — it’s my birthday, please indulge me!! 😂)
9. Love your body.
I remember how insecure I felt when I was stick thin or how ashamed I was made to feel about the dark shade of my skin.
Looking in the mirror and acknowledging my beauty is a rebellious act of self-love, and nobody can take that kind of confidence away.
A healthy body also can’t be beat — as one of my uncles used to say (ironically with a belly full of Indian sweets), “Health is wealth!”
Working towards strength and becoming more physically active is something I am excited to prioritize in the coming decade.
10. Understand your mind and feed your spirit.
The “monkey mind” is a tricky character. What we take in through our senses has more power over us than we realize.
Our emotions are intertwined with our thoughts — learning to sit with feelings but not get stuck in a mental tizzy has been a slow lesson.
I did my best to dive into the sea of self-care over the past decade — yoga Asana and philosophy, therapy, retreats, quiet time in nature. All of this is healing work, and although there is much more to explore, I value the shift in my awareness so far.
11. Foster (human) connection and community.
I am overcome with how beautiful it feels to connect with people near and far, especially after the past few years. In conversation, in celebration or loss, or the most underrated — in sharing time with people you love and who love you with no expectations at all. I have not experienced a greater gift. Spending time with people across generations is also so special.
The flip-side of human connection is healthy disconnection from scrolling on devices. (Find me a man who doesn’t scroll through IG at dinner… swoon!)
I wonder if we’ll get to a time when social media will be accepted as just as harmful as smoking if not worse, as folks over at the Center for Humane Technology have suggested. Or if we can accept that focus really is the new superpower, as Cal Newport mentions when speaking of digital minimalism.
12. Remain optimistic.
We’re all leaving our bodies at some point; may as well work on positive solutions while we are here.
As one of my friends used to say “Hope is the last thing to die, Roopa!” (She meant it sarcastically, but I took it as fuel.)
This is not the same as bypassing real issues — healthy criticism is important.
Collaborating on possible improvements to social and environmental problems seems like a much better use of our time here though, rather than complaining about stuff as we watch the world continue to burn.
If we can’t envision better futures, how will we ever get there?
13. Get clear on your values, then live by them.
A few guiding ones for me now are peace, courage, and integrity. I try to make decisions that are anchored in at least one of these.
I love how Dr. Maya Angelou used to remind us that “Courage is the most important of the virtues, because without it, no other virtue can be practiced consistently”.
14. Practice Gratitude.
Gratitude has helped me develop resilience in times of extreme difficulty, maintain humility in moments of success, and fosters joy in general.
Tell the people who you are grateful for, that you are grateful for them while they are here.
I miss one of my lifelong mentors and close aunties who passed last year so dearly, but I’m glad I expressed how much she meant to me over the years.
15. Have spiritual practices to lean on.
In one of my early yoga trainings, a teacher taught us the importance of not being swayed from your center for too long, whether something happy or sad comes along. Having some sort of spiritual practice in those times can be helpful.
One of my favourite passages from the Gita: “On this path, effort never goes to waste and there is no failure. Even a little effort toward spiritual awareness will protect you from the greatest fear.” (2:40)
16. Learn to appreciate solitude.
At the end of the day, the one constant throughout my life has been my self. (I used to think this was a super depressing thought, but it’s the truth!)
As much as I remain excited for partnership and parenthood, knowing I enjoy my own company and my silence brings some level of peace.
(It’s funny for me to think back to my early 20s, where friends would challenge me to stay quiet for 10 minutes; I would fail miserably!)
17. Express yourself.
As Wayne Dyer used to say, “Don’t die with your music still in you!”
Each of our voices is truly unique. I used to feel I had to quell my enthusiasm around others, before being reminded a few years ago that I wasn’t “too much”, I deserved to take up space, and I had important things to say.
Having a creative outlet for expression encourages individual growth. As author Anodea Judith articulates so beautifully, “Creativity is the gateway between the past and the future.”
18. Find your freedom.
The years really do go by so fast, and life isn’t easy. Taking breaks and slowing down have helped me prioritize joy over productivity — so freeing!
Rather than waiting for another arbitrary milestone, designing flexibility into my day to day life NOW has become a major key to contentment.
I’ll leave you with one of my favourite quotes by the Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti, who said “Freedom is at the beginning, not at the end.”
